“Don’t take for granted the love this life gives you; When you get where you’re going, don’t forget to turn back around; Help the next one in line, always stay humble and kind.”
Tim McGraw
In an attempt to admit my own misgivings about my parenting skills, I once told my older son, “I’ve never been a father before,” to which he replied, “I’ve never been a son before.” Something this common is a truth rarely shared.
Working on my doctorate, which was about fatherhood, I uncovered many universal truths. The big one? Dads don’t share their struggles, especially with their children and other dads.
I encourage dads to give themselves credit and admit we are OK, not perfect, and make mistakes. I’m a former teacher, and as one of my students put it, fathers, though imperfect, unsuspecting and forgiving, are heroes.
Acknowledging our fathers may not have talked about issues central to their identity permits us to write our own chapter in our fatherhood journey. A journey full of questions.
Our voices are important. But who listens? Our words are essential. Who do we tell? Telling our sons and daughters and dads we love them, and are proud of them, can heal wounds. How do we make it happen? How can we provide a lasting impact?
I suggest we “turn back around” by sharing our truths, revealing our pain and equip our kids to better handle their own struggles. Tell them what’s in our hearts. Share with them our hopes. Our words can become gifts to our kids and our own fathers.
Some years ago, I started writing letters to our older son. I wrote these letters for him to read later, but just before my dad died, they became more than that. It became a column called “Jeremy’s Dad,” a prism for me to see things I never saw before. Writing created an awareness on the realities of what I was facing, my ineptitude, and how I wished I had my dad’s eyes to see what I was going through. I longed for my dad’s wisdom and experience to help me navigate a journey I felt so unqualified to take.
I’d never been a father before.
When our younger son went to college, I wrote him every week. It didn’t matter whether he read these letters, but as a dad, I felt an obligation and need to provide him with ideas that might provide counsel years later. In my letters to our sons, I’ve talked about a variety of things: money, sex, politics, faith, marriage and how deeply I loved them both. Things dads don’t often feel comfortable talking about. I did. Both are now married, but even today, every so often they will get a letter from Dad.
So, this Father’s Day, try writing letters to your children. If your dad is still alive, begin a new conversation by writing him. Tell him how you feel. Forgive him for his shortcomings. Praise his efforts. Forgive yourself. Talk with other dads. It’s a tall task designed to help them “help the next one in line.”
Happy Father’s Day.
Note: This article appeared in San Antonio Express News, 16 June 2023