Notes for Dads [Shoulders to Stand on], 50: Kitiki #373

Homage to “Smiley, Big Daddy, & Dave”

Good morning, it’s Saturday.

Eulogies? For anyone who had a passing of someone this week feel comforted. I have been asking about birthdays for a few weeks now, today I wanted to give homage to those who helped us celebrate birthdays. Those whose shoulders we stood on, walked besides, knew our names, followed us.

This is a piece I hope will resonate so that those of us who have sons and daughters next to us now will take time to reach out and tell them about those who made us who we are. It’s never too late to give measured words of support, talk about loss, and embrace truth.

Shoulders we stood on. He stood over six-feet tall, so it would have been extremely hard for me to stand on “Smiley” Williams’ [81] shoulders. But that’s a measure of a man who became a surrogate dad for me, he, and Big Daddy Houston [90]. One a black man, another a white. Neither hesitated to offer or deny help, depending on whether I was smart enough to take it, or too naïve to understand how to use it. They empowered rather than enabled. They loved rather than liked. They inspired rather than intimidated. They helped me through Reagan, Obama, and Trump. I miss them both as I try to be worth the time they gave raising our boys, counseling my marriage, advising me on my health. They gave me a view I wouldn’t have known existed if not for them. It took some time to find my way after they left. In your life, you’ve stood on others’ shoulders. Take time to contact them before they pass. Share their stories so their lives will last for others to know of them.

Shoulders we walked next to. These may not have be as colossal a giant as those we stood on, but these shoulders were equally important. They’ve walked in the marsh, trodden the valley, scaled the mountains, dried the tears and commiserated the pain of loss, joy, and hope. Measured the world by your presence as you measured theirs, friends beyond time, your own worth, made more valuable by these souls beside you.

As I think of those memories, I remember those who’ve passed like my friend Dave Saffold who passed away at 69 from pancreatic cancer, a year ago tomorrow [the 17th] two months before his 70th birthday. Treasured he will always be. My mom died on the same day in August, how ironic. I miss Dave. Then I hear conversations with my former roommate, Richard Levenson, whose earlier brush with death silenced similar fears I had when I looked at death. He continues to reach out, and I reach out still to him. Friendships that existed longer than marriages not separated by a political, religious, or racial divide. Shoulders touching, hands held, as we walked side because they were meant to be there

They Know my Name: Those that know my name include colleagues like Karl and Cheyenne. I call them by friend as I also call Jerry B., Yvonne, Bob, Ranette, and Ben. These are constant reminders whether in daily conversations about life, God, family even politics and death or commiserating in pain, as we help reach another day . They know what friendship means and how important that name is, and glad they are in my life as my friend.

Those that follow us: As important as those whose shoulders I stood on are those who have shared with me the privilege they felt as they stood on mine. They reach back to invite me to 30 Rock like Matthew, share a children’s book they wrote like Clarence, how to vote like Allan, or advice on his teenage daughter like Erik. Never too far or aloof to remember and to say thank you. I told them not to forget those shoulders. I’m better for them remembering and having known them.

Again Happy birthday out there. Remember, life is short. Hug each other. Share a story or a song I’d never heard until my septuagenarian roommate [I’m older than him] Richie, shared with me,

“When you get where you’re going, don’t forget to turn back around and help the next one in line, always stay Humble and Kind.”[1]

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[1] Tim McGraw – Humble and Kind Lyrics | Genius Lyrics