Recollections: Things that make you feel: [Notes for Dads…] 96, Kitiki #618
Finding Forgiveness for Guardrails
Hi Dads,
Happy 4th of July. Not sure what your plans are for the weekend, hopefully you’ll find time to talk about more than an illusory anniversary sparked by controversy about what our country was supposed to be and what it has become. A country led by someone out for himself.[1] A country uniting other countries by trying to humiliate.[2] As a father and dad, I would be remiss by not mentioning this.
Last week I talked about things getting better when “Us old folks, we kind of fade,” quoting former President Barrack Obama with the former president’s wife adding: “We gotta get out of the way.”[3] There is a lot to be said there. Many times, it’s the things we want to forget that leave a lasting pit of unfinished business that dads need to acknowledge.
I go to my fellow Substacker, Daron Roberts comment on dying empty,[4] emphasizing taking care of unfinished business. Today’s celebration is about things heard: Things you didn’t expect to hear; Things you wished you’d not heard; Things done you can’t forget or things you cannot forget you heard.
You may have noticed many “notes to dads” get personal. I find it therapeutic not only for me, but as I talk to dads about real things. Many say they can relate. Many say it helps. Many tell me thank you for the truth, that way they know they are not alone. We are not. We are in this all together.
Things you didn’t expect to hear: One Sunday in church, our older son was asked what he wanted to be when he grew up. He said, “a dad.” That was humbling and still is as I watch him nurture his new son. Telling me I’m his example. Telling me things I didn’t expect. Telling me that as I fade, “he’s got this.” Being a dad is different from being a father. On the other hand, getting a railing letter from your younger son sharing his indignation on being called on the carpet by his dad for infantile behavior. I’d written them both a letter, and without regard to the wisdom of his older brother he wrote me. Our younger son chastised me in such a way it left a gulf between us for some years. Then years later I got a letter I never thought I’d get that brought tears to my eyes saying he understood.
Things you wished you’d not heard: Raising our sons brought a litany of observations and verbal exchanges from “I hate you,” from them, to “we good?” from me. Some led to our older son moving out right before graduating high school. He’d found listening to his friends more important. He wanted to listen to them, not us. That hurt. Yet never in those tumultuous growing pains did I utter anything disparaging other than “I’m disappointed.” It’s hard to say the truth sometimes, but sometimes it needs to be said. Forgiveness comes with wisdom seasoned by time and not allowing the guardrails to be removed. Standing firm in the hope one day they will see it’s tough to do. But they do. You grow. They grow. The words resonate, but you get beyond it. They figure it out and you help because they know you love them.
Things you can’t forget: Among those are things I did as son I can’t forget. Like writing my mother a letter and saying “of all the children you’ve done the least for, you expect the most from me.” Sad to say that was the last communication between my mom and me before she died. I’ve used that experience in my class as a way of sharing my mistake with others, hoping they won’t make the same. Reconciliation is important. I can’t forget that. That was why when my younger son’s words pierced my heart, I found the courage to do what my mom did not. Seasoned by time, wisdom helped me move the guardrails as I told him I would not replicate what my mom had done as I reached over. As a dad, my mom’s son, I would not leave that gulf. Two years ago, he wrote me that letter for Father’s Day. A letter I’ll cherish till I die. I won’t forget. Then, eight years ago, when I’d gone through radiation, and my older son felt despondent that dad would die, he found time to go to a cancer treatment with me. Some things like that you don’t forget. You don’t forget how people make you feel.
Keep that in mind dads. As I reread the letter my younger son wrote, telling me what he thought of me now pales in what I think of both our sons. It takes time. Hopefully in every dad reading this you will be gifted with your sons telling you “You did good, dad.” Sometimes that’s all it takes to make it better for the next generation as they tell you later as our younger son did, they appreciate the guardrails because “…the biggest reason I have any kind of functioning compass on where to go to improve is because of how [you and mom] raised me.” You hear that and never forget how it made you feel.
[1] Trump Made $1 Billion on Crypto Deals While His Fans Lost a Fortune - WSJ
[2] Trump tried to humiliate Meloni. Europe united instead.
[3] Barack Obama reveals ‘the thing we were good at’ in rare interview